“Your authenticity chapter is reading more like a ‘don’t be authentic’ chapter.” - My editor
Yep.
No wonder I was drawn to a book called Don’t Be Yourself.
Of course, I think authenticity has its place. During revisions for my book I became more precise about the situations in which we should be more authentic, what we need to do first, and who has earned the right to see our more vulnerable sides.
But vulnerability can be risky, and a lot of the popular advice about authenticity seems less authentic than unprofessional.
Authenticity isn’t about removing your filter. It’s about intentionally deciding which parts of yourself belong in which settings.
As Adam Grant has said, “Authenticity is not about saying whatever pops into your head. It’s about sharing who you want to be. Healthy self-expression doesn’t mean no filter. It involves weighing whether your current thoughts and emotions are aligned with your lasting values.”
In Don’t Be Yourself, Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic makes a related argument: It is often kinder to others to present your best self, or at least your most professional self.
Why should your direct reports have to deal with you being a hot mess just because sometimes you are?
We love that Taylor Swift can “do it with a broken heart.” We also generally expect professionals to act professionally, whether or not that reflects how they feel on a particular day.
I had an amazing call recently.
The woman and I vibed instantly. We were both animated and engaged, and we’re going to work together.
The thing is, I was having an awful day.
She had no idea.
That was the point.
Channeling my inner Swift, I chose not to bring my awful day into the conversation. Then, after the call, it no longer felt quite so awful. The conversation had been so much fun that my mood genuinely improved.
I wasn’t being fake. I was choosing which version of myself belonged in that interaction.
In most of our day-to-day interactions, having a filter is helpful.
As I wrote last week, if work doesn’t have to be your entire identity, your entire identity also doesn’t have to show up at work.
We are the same people in different settings, but different aspects of us take center stage. You are probably not exactly the same person at a neighborhood bar, a family dinner, and a board meeting. That doesn’t make any of those versions dishonest.
It means you understand context.
There is also a more serious problem with blanket advice to “bring your whole self to work”: We do not all have the same ability to be authentic in every situation.
As Jodi-Ann Burey has shared, “Being authentic privileges those who are already part of the dominant culture. Being who you are is much easier when who you are is all around you.”
The more status or power you have, the more “yourself” you can usually afford to be. That means leaders have a greater responsibility to create environments where other people feel comfortable, supported, and like they belong.
My grandma used to tell my mom never to call out of work because the kids were sick. She said to always say that she was the one who was sick, rather than draw attention to that vulnerability.
What my grandma understood was that women were less common in the workplace and were already seen as “other.” Drawing attention to the demands of motherhood could have bigger career ramifications.
Thankfully, many workplaces have changed.
In 2026, most of us no longer need to lie about which member of the family is sick. Many workplaces have more understanding for childhood illnesses or the need for a parent to attend a school play.
A leader who openly says, “I have a sick kid at home,” can make it easier for people on the team to be honest about their own caregiving responsibilities. They may even bond over the shared horrors of norovirus.
That is an example of authenticity being useful. The leader has enough status to take the first risk, and their disclosure creates more safety for someone else.
It feels better to be yourself than to feel as though you are hiding a huge part of your identity. But we still need to be thoughtful about how, when, and with whom we open up.
I think about authenticity in three steps.
Assess
First, assess the situation.
Know the room you are sharing in and the person you are sharing with. Can you trust them? Have they shown that they will handle what you tell them with care?
One study found that 73% of people had experienced authenticity or vulnerability backfiring at work. The problems were often related to poor self-awareness, misjudging the other person, or operating in a toxic work environment.
If you are in a toxic environment, you should of course consider leaving. But while you are looking for a new role, you do not owe that workplace more information it can use to cause further harm.
Protecting yourself is not dishonesty.
Ready Yourself
Before you share a vulnerable part of your story, make sure you are ready to tell it.
My friend Charreah K. Jackson has shared that she couldn’t immediately be open about her experience as a cancer survivor. She was afraid that people would see her as weak.
First, she had to put in the work to take ownership of her story. She needed to reach a place where she saw herself not as weak, but as the warrior she is.
If you are still deeply uncomfortable with a part of your story, you may not yet be ready for other people’s reactions to it.
You get to wait.
Reframe
Finally, tell your story in a way that showcases your strength.
Say, for instance, that you followed a nontraditional path into leadership and feel embarrassed by it.
You could hide your background, but that may backfire if people interpret your discomfort as shame or distance.
You could present it only as a hardship, but if you tell the story in a way that suggests you do not believe you belong at the table, others may reach the same conclusion.
Or you can reframe it.
Perhaps your background made you more resilient. Perhaps it gave you an unconventional idea or helped you see a customer, problem, or opportunity differently.
When sharing what makes you unique, connect it to why it is relevant. Show how it became an advantage, or perhaps even a hidden superpower, in your new setting.
Authenticity is not saying everything you think, sharing everything you feel, or giving everyone access to every part of you.
It is not living without a filter.
It is knowing yourself well enough to decide what to share, trusting yourself enough to wait when you are not ready, and understanding the room well enough to know when your story might help someone else feel safe enough to share theirs.
Sometimes the most authentic thing you can do is present the best version of yourself.
That version is still you.
